Being a modern mum

Becoming a parent is life-changing. An American study recently found that the average mum works about 98 hours per week - that’s more than two full-time jobs.

Happily, mums also get to do some really great stuff like acting like a kid and laughing until their sides ache! One thing’s for certain, being a mum is never boring. You learn a lot about yourself and others. For instance, who knew you’d become a master of persuasion? Convincing small (and not so small) people to do things they don’t want to do is a true Jedi skill!

The Rex London blog team asked some multi-award winning bloggers to talk to us about being mums. Jen Walshaw from Mum in the Mad House joined an incredibly honest discussion with Hayley from Downs Side Up and Jenny from The Gingerbread House. Here’s what they told us…

What makes a good mother?

Jen: One of my favourite quotes is: "there’s no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one." For me, being a good mum is all about looking past perfection and learning or accepting that you are the best mother for your own children. Being a good mother in my family means:

• You are never too old to be tucked in and for a cuddle
• Listening to the small stuff (as one day it will be the big stuff)
• Pancakes for no reason
• Firm boundaries
• Creativity
• Home cooked food
• Laughter, lots of laughter

However, the biggest lesson I have learned is this. What makes me the best mother for my family, might not make someone else the best mother for their children.

Hayley: Being a mother is a privilege and not a right, but it is also extremely hard work. I think being a good mother is actually realising that being good enough is enough, that being flexible and understanding is more important than chasing perfection. It’s about accepting each of your children for who they are and not trying to make them fit your idea of what they should be.

Jenny: Yes. I think everyone has their own answer to this one. My answer would be someone that loves their child and puts their interests before their own, whilst managing to still be themselves too.

In what ways are you like your own mum?

Jenny: Well I think I would have said I wasn't, but I've come to realise that I've subconsciously absorbed everything she has ever said! Luckily she's a great mum and I'm proud to be her daughter.

Jen: In more ways that I would care to admit or than I wanted to be before I was a mother! I swore I was never going to become my mum before I had children, and then once I did I suddenly realised why she was the mother she was. I often hear myself saying the things to my boys that she said to me and my brother...

Hayley: I think I am like my mother in that I believe that politeness, manners and putting others before yourself are really important for children to learn. I’m also a fan of good old-fashioned values such as sitting together round a table each evening (without phones) to eat dinner as a family and sending hand-written thank you cards after birthdays and Christmas.

How have you made a conscious decision to differ from your mum?

Hayley: My mum was quite strict with us growing up and I think I have tried to be less firm with my girls, preferring to explain and negotiate, giving them choices instead. Although this doesn’t always work and sometimes I hear my mother’s words coming out of my mouth!

Jen: My mum grew up in the age when it was OK to take a slipper to your child, and that’s something that I never wanted for my children. Also, she was often the disciplinarian and my Dad was the "fun" parent. Again this is a stereotype I was keen not to perpetuate.

Jenny: I'm not sure that I have tried to do anything differently. My parents were brilliant so I like to think they set me a great example and have shaped how I parent myself.

If you could go back and start again, what’s the one thing you’d do differently as a parent?

Jenny: I'm not sure I would do anything differently. I've been so lucky that I can stay at home and watch my children grow up. I really do cherish every second with them, they are my whole world!

Jen: I am not scared to admit that I found the early sleep-deprived stages of parenting a challenge. I came from a corporate background and was a successful career woman and had set myself silly, unrealistic expectations on what being a Mum would be. I wished that I hadn't bothered with the NCT classes and that social media had been around to support me through those dark desperate early days. Perhaps then my PND would have been picked up sooner.

Hayley: I think when I became a Mum with Mia 14 years ago I tried to do everything myself and wore myself into the ground. Looking back I wish I had asked for help from others, expressed milk so I could bank some sleep, maybe even used a nursery for a few hours a week so that I could take a break and come back refreshed, more patient and more fun.

When our youngest daughter Natty was born, Down’s syndrome was identified after birth. It was a condition I knew little about and I am ashamed of how afraid I was. I wish I could re-live those first days, and instead of worrying about that extra chromosome and whether I was up to the job of being her mum, see her simply as our beautiful, albeit vulnerable daughter.

What do you hope for mothers in the next generation?

Jenny: I hope they have the confidence to parent as they want to and trust their own instincts.

Jen: More equality - I hope that the void between Mums and Dads becomes smaller and smaller and that women and mothers are valued more and more. That people stop saying that dads are “babysitting” when in fact they are parenting, which is a big bugbear for me!

Hayley: I hope that mothers in the next generation learn not to compare themselves with picture-perfect Instagram Mums but instead have confidence in their own abilities. I hope they put down their phones and talk to their children, for it is our time that enriches them most, not expensive toys, games and clothing. In a way our children’s generation need to take steps to simplify parenting again.

What would you like your children to remember most about their childhood?

Jen: The laughter, the fun, the cuddles and LOVE. We say our home runs on tea and love, which, if you ever visit, you’ll see is totally true.

Jenny: I try hard to create fun and good memories. We have some great days out together but I hope they remember the times we baked together, did some crafting or just read their favourite book. The small moments are just as good as the bigger ones (I hope!)

Hayley: I hope they remember the giggles, the days out, the cake icing, the kitchen discos, cuddles with their dogs. I hope they remember that they were loved and valued.

If you could teach your children just one thing, what would it be?

Jen: Be kinder than you need to be. I am a huge believer in kindness and karma.

Hayley: Love yourself, believe in yourself and nurture yourself. I want them both to be happy and resilient, as healthy as they can be in order to live their lives and have fun in the way they want to.

Jenny: To be happy and find happiness in the everyday moments.

What’s the best thing you have learnt from your children?

Jenny: To enjoy every second and always have fun. My 6 year old seems to live by this motto and it has definitely rubbed off on us all!

Hayley: Becoming a mum certainly made me a better, less selfish person. I think becoming a special needs parent took things up a notch. Immediately all the pressure was off. I instantly learnt to live in the moment and value small things with both of my children. And the pressure to attend lots of out of school clubs and for them to be the best at everything and aim for top universities became utterly unimportant. Natty had heart surgery at 2 years old and living through the fear that your child might not survive a major operation really helps to get your priorities straight as a parent.

Jen: To let go of perfection and stop trying to control everything. They have taught me the value of imagination and creativity which would never have happened if I kept trying to control all the outcomes. Oh, and they also introduced me to other music such as grime - Stormzy rocks!

Thank you, ladies, for helping us to celebrate incredible mothers all over the world. Not only is it International Women’s Day today (8 March) - we’re also looking forward to Mother’s Day this weekend. Show your mum how much you care with a thoughtful token of your appreciation from dotcomgiftshop.